Wednesday, April 30, 2014
Isabel 100WC
... I approached the substantial door, it's edges obscurely patterned and as I contemplated it I realised there was writing, beautifully carved into the mahogany door. It's handle was rusted bronze and had attracted particles of dust. And when I opened the cupboard door, all I saw was a pair of cyan dancing shoes with identical cyan lace sewn elegantly onto the periphery. For that moment I was philosophical, but i had no idea what was install for me. All I had to do was close my eyes and I would remember how I walked into my new home, how the rain tapped the window, feral as it was, how I opened that strange cupboard thinking no use of it or what was inside...
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Hello Isabel,
ReplyDeleteYour piece contains the most sophisticated vocabulary of an entry I have read in my time as a member of Team 100. I am thrilled to have been assigned your number.
The first sentence is utterly sublime. The tone of your story is immediately set. Your word choices allow for the creation of gorgeous visualizations in my mind.
The crafting of your phrases is lyrical. The description of the dancing shoes is perfection. My favorite phrase is the one surrounding the tapping of the feral rain. It took my breath away.
My suggestion for making your writing even better is to do a thorough proofreading before you finalize. This part, "idea what was install for me" is unclear. I am certain you meant that you had no idea what was 'in store' for you, instead of 'install'. A careful reading aloud will let you catch inconsistencies like that one.
Thank you so very much for sharing this piece of your writing. I feel inspired by your work.
Gina Felton (Team 100, Iowa USA)
You have allot of description in your writing and i love your use of adjectives!
ReplyDeleteShardaina-St Josephs school